Bliss
by Archangel Barton
Summary: How shallow are the dreams that for one were so deep? How shattered are the thoughts of one who was not you? Hiroaki Koshino drift into his shattered figments of what he'd like to call bliss. [SenRu; One-shot]


Title: Bliss  
Author: Archangel  
Rating: PG  
Genre: Angst, Romance, Drama (my three newly found favorite genres)  
Archive: Spellbound, FF.Net  
Disclaimers: Slam Dunk belongs to Takehiko Inoue  
  
Summary: How shallow are the dreams that for one were so deep? How shattered are the thoughts of one who was not you? Hiroaki Koshino drift into his shattered figments of what he'd like to call bliss.  
  
Dedications  
**Cheeky **- you gave me the spirit to continue writing. You last review to my fic really boosted me up. Thank you for your compliments.   
**Chache-chan **- I know you hate angsty fics but I can't help it! I'm not a sad person, you know that! Well, I just want my compositions (those that I think are really worth reading) dedicated to you…hi to your sister! Miss you both!   
**Feng**, I missed talking to you! Where the hell are you anyway?   
**AK Zoo family**, Ren-chan, Eddie, Crystal-sama, Kit-chan and everyone!   
**Fall-chan**, I love you…you just gave me an advance Holloween present! And lastly,   
**To my birthday boy**, you know who you are…I love you super friend! I don't know if you can relate to this but hey, this one's yours like the other one.  
  
Author's Notes: Uhm…first and foremost, I love Koshino…but you see, I love SenRuSen! I have made a Sakuragi-torture fic before and now I am about to bastardize Koshino. So please, if you are in-love with Kosh, and does not want him hurting emotionally (not physically, I had not made any physical abuses here), please do not read further into this fic. But for the love of SenRu, you may want to reconsider reading this fic.  
  
To finish off…THIS IS NOT A SENKOSH FIC! Believe me, it's not…because it's SENRU! Be very very attentive so that you'll know.  
  
Reviews are most welcomed!  
  
**Bliss**  
by Archangel  
  
_Koshino's POV  
_  
Could life be any better than to sit under this huge tree, caressed by the cool ocean breeze…and looking up ahead, there you'll see the man of your dreams?  
  
Your man, dribbling that basketball…playing alone, sweat-soaked and smiling...yeah, nothing could be better than that.  
  
But nothing could really be better than Sendoh Akira talking to me…"Hey Hiro! Come play with me."   
  
I would have to refuse. "Maybe later."   
  
Since looking at him even at this distance, would already feed this shallow happiness of mine.  
  
Because, nothing could be _absolutely_ better than to look at Sendoh Akira…relish your thoughts of him, all lingering in your mind…  
  
Then I close my eyes…  
  
Yeah, nothing could be **absolutely** better than that.  
  
Akira and I had been together for the past five years now and my life has never been dull since then. He had taken care of me very well, to the extent of pulling me out of my own apartment to live with him a few blocks away from school for the sole purpose of cooking me a personalized dinner.  
  
Well, he said he also wanted to watch over me as I sleep every night.  
  
We started off as basketball friends…that from being enemies by reason of sarcasm and mockery.   
  
Soon enough, I got to know the real him. He asked me to dine out for a change, since he said he's tired of trying to catch up with my unpredictable moods and cold stares. I would have shut the lights off him, but hey…he looked sincere enough to me.  
  
I decided to go…  
  
To go with him on our very first date…  
  
To the basketball court down the street. How lovely.  
  
Well, the dinner came in later.  
  
We had a one-on-one first - with him winning…again. After which came a three-point shootout and finally a slam dunk contest with 5 little nerdy twerps as judges.   
  
I was amazed on how Akira managed to persuade those kids to judge our performances without even giving them a candy or something. And was shocked at myself to have had joined his hideous ideas.   
  
I swear I wouldn't have had a ride with anyone with that kind of foolish trippin'.  
  
But then I wondered, why to him? Why to Sendoh Akira?  
  
I guess it's because of his smile.   
  
Or maybe because of his sincerity.   
  
It could've been due to his kindness.   
  
Or simply because he's gorgeous.   
  
I really don't know. There are so many good things about Akira that there's no single reason why he's able to drag almost everyone down to their knees and fall in love.  
  
"That's probably how you got me so into you, Sendoh Akira."  
  
But if there's one thing that's very obvious and would most probably be the culprit on why I'm so in love with Akira now is nothing but charisma…his undying charm.  
  
I can clearly remember how he knocked down our whole household one Halloween night by barging on our front door with all those candies and chocolates, along with his gruesome chibi rabbit costume - which was obviously not very Halloween-y.   
  
He even looked like the playboy bunny for Christ's sake!  
  
And how he had captured the love of my mother on count one by handing over a homemade apple pie for the whole family. And how fast did he win my father's laughter and amusement by initiating an extraordinarily ecstatic videoke session.   
  
And how my father insisted that I sing that stupid crappy Three Blind Mice carrier single…  
  
Oh God.  
  
All that…had made a complete twist on our usual scary Halloween into a seemingly white Christmas celebration…  
  
All that…with just his mere presence.   
  
How amazing.  
  
He slept in our house that night upon the persistence of my parents. And I had to share with him my little hideout since there's no other room left in our small home.  
  
Naughty Akira…  
  
That's all I can say.  
  
I made him sleep on the floor, of course, for having invaded my privacy and all. All that privilege plus a chance of a lifetime to sleep beside me - that's a perfect example of what I call, Hiroaki abuse.   
  
"No way, Sendoh."  
  
But he WAS insistent.  
  
"Hey, Koshino…I can't sleep without my hotdog." [1]  
  
/Pardon me? Hotdog?/  
  
"What the hell are you talking about? Go to sleep, do'aho."  
  
"Naaa, Hiro…let me hug you."  
  
Zzzzzz… I sleep ultra fast, you see.  
  
But having seen him on the floor, shivering in the coldness of the pavement without a 'hotdog' to embrace…I couldn't help but do something - I went downstairs…  
  
…To get another blanket.  
  
But hey, I gave him my pillow too. So that left me and my very unfortunate swollen arm for a cushion.  
  
That's fair enough, I guess.  
  
Well, I woke up the next morning with a lousy letter on my desk…  
  
"The floor was cold and my back aches like hell but thanks, Hiro. - Sendoh"   
  
Cheeky.  
  
The floor was cold and my back aches like hell but thanks, Hiro.  
  
But you see, now that I think about it and just how it sounds, I would have to say that's one of the sweetest letters he ever wrote down.   
  
Because Sendoh doesn't know how to write a love letter for Christ's sake!   
  
It was Rukawa who knew how.   
  
I remember his stories of going to Shohoku everyday just to ask Rukawa to make him a love letter. And funny how Rukawa-kun would agree to him...  
  
…they're best friends after all.  
  
From that unforgettable Halloween came my everyday with Sendoh Akira.  
  
I'd see him standing in one of the posts at school, patiently waiting for me, for a reason I did not know until later.  
  
He'd ask me again and again, "Hey Hiro, let's play once more."  
  
Everyday…the same question.  
  
Everyday…the same smiling face.  
  
Everyday…the same school uniform.  
  
Everyday at the same time.  
  
Everyday at the same place.  
  
Yet everyday…a different feeling.  
  
A feeling I'd like to call love.  
  
Yes, it wasn't so hard to love Sendoh Akira.  
  
And yes, it was quite sudden.  
  
The night had eaten every form of illumination as the lights broke down in the middle of our game.  
  
We were talking in the dark…blind and cold, yet aware of each other's presence.  
  
We were talking in the dark…blind and cold, with every word bringing us closer together.  
  
And inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter…I did not notice our distance from each other.  
  
Then suddenly I felt it - the unforgettable kiss.  
  
And Sendoh Akira was a great kisser. He had fumbled in absolute darkness for my lips, caught it and was victorious, thus he has every right to be called as such.  
  
No words.  
  
Merely the kiss…and all were understood.  
  
Seconds to minutes, to hours, to days.   
  
From days to weeks, from weeks to months…all were precious, all were treasured.  
  
All retained.  
  
For if none were important, I would've forgotten it…the simple reality of life.  
  
Then came a week before my birthday, a time when Akira came home late every single day. He never talked to me and had completely ignored me. That was pure bullshit.  
  
And yes, I wouldn't be ignored. We had a terrible fight for one whole week, not merely because he came home late but because he had another man for company…for one whole week in almost 20 hours a day…Rukawa Kaede.  
  
I know they were best of friends, but hey…there's a potential. I fell in love for Akira so easily that it's not so difficult for others to do so. And to have completely ignored me for one whole week is not just an issue, it's a predicament.  
  
Soon enough I received a phone call, "Akira's dead." It was Kaede.  
  
I rushed down as quickly as I could to where Akira was, ignored the people who came before me, paid no heed to the cries of his dear friends…and yes, I saw him lying bloody on the hospital bed.  
  
No words. Merely tears.  
  
Yes, I cried.  
  
I felt a hand in my shoulder…it was Kaede's. He was smiling like a freak and I had no idea why.  
  
Suddenly, everyone in the room sang a happy birthday song and I looked at Akira's bloody face, and he was smiling like shit.  
  
And so we kissed.  
  
And so he apologized for having ignored me.  
  
And so everything was planned.  
  
And so everything was clear, there's no Akira and Kaede.  
  
They're just best friends and that's where it ends.  
  
Though, sometimes I get jealous of Kaede.   
  
He spends most of the day with Akira, either shopping or playing ball, going to billiard halls or bowling tournaments. And whenever my tight schedule won't let Akira in, he asks Kaede for company.   
  
But then again, it's been five years. I've graduated from the so-called *jealousy part* of all relationships.   
  
Besides, I have learned to trust Kaede. I know by heart that he's harmless. It was long tested.  
  
Rukawa Kaede…the mind behind of all Akira's sweet tactics. He's the best friend anyone could ever have.   
  
Lucky Akira.  
  
But then jealousy is jealousy. No matter how long I've graduated from it.  
  
Back then, our fights circle solely around Kaede. All because of my jealousy.  
  
But Akira had erased my doubts…had proved me wrong in all of my paranoia. He loved me greatly.  
  
In nights of utter darkness where ghosts from hell evade my dreams, I wake up to see an equally distressed Akira with concern in those dark blue eyes. He'll embrace me tightly and lull me back to sleep, his warm and gentle voice assuring me there are no more nightmares…that he was always there.   
  
True enough, there were no more nightmares.  
  
In days of pure torture from work and useless people, I come home tired and grumpy. But to see a smiling Akira waiting for me patiently, his hand holding a pot and cooking a good meal, he calls me eagerly to offer a welcome home kiss, I come to ask myself, where have all my suffering gone?  
  
In times of intense pressure and sheer disappointment, I sit to find out I'm not alone. For he was there before me, offering a hand to hold, a body to embrace tightly, arms for support. Then I feel comfort, I feel at ease, as if there were no pressure at all.   
  
So, was I disappointed? Not at all.  
  
When my father passed away, he was there. He asked my mother to live with us to keep her safe. Had adjusted our home to accommodate her. He made her enjoy the last moments of her life with laughter and pleasure…and a promise that I'll be okay no matter what.  
  
And seeing them so close as if I were Akira and he was Hiroaki was priceless. He made me so proud.  
  
Though I admit, I was never good with this kind of things, relationships or love…I was never really good at it. But he never gave up on me.  
  
I left Akira once…   
  
I thought he deserved someone better. Because I lacked the time and lacked the effort, honestly.   
  
Then I realized, I was stupid to have thought that way. I believed I was being selfish for not meeting up with his needs and it was best that he found another who can do so. But you know what? I was selfish for leaving him, because it never really mattered to him if I keep up exactly to his needs, what really mattered was me in his life.  
  
And I deprived him of me.  
  
I had only realized that when he begged me to come home.   
  
When he broke down my new place and dropped to his knees.  
  
When he cried and asked me, "Come back to me, Hiro."  
  
And I'm not a completely messed-up idiot to reject that.  
  
Then, I left Akira twice…  
  
I thought he had chosen another to take my place, not Kaede…but someone else.   
  
I was impulsive, eaten by my emotions…blinded by the fact that I lacked trust on Akira.  
  
I went to a place where no one knew me…but he was there, waiting at my doorstep…with a sorry look in his face and trembling hands that held mine.  
  
"Let's go home, Hiro."  
  
Am I not so stupid for failing to see that?  
  
That he loved me.   
  
That he truly loved me.  
  
And I loved him back as much.  
  
And things went out smoothly after that. We lived a normal life…we lived happily.  
  
There were moments when we cried…cried over some hideous drama series.  
  
Moments when we argue…argue over who's supposed to lead the nation.  
  
Moments when we laugh…laugh over our stupidity, whenever we slip and fall over that sweet spot in our pad.  
  
Moments when we chose to be silent…then kiss and make out.  
  
Wake up in the morning to see each other's faces, contented with the aftermath of our love.  
  
Moments when we feel naughty and cut each other's hair.  
  
Moments when we just drop the ball, stop the game and kiss with all that fervor caught up the entire week.  
  
Moments when we forget the score and start the game all over again.  
  
Moments when we get so heated, close the lights, lock the doors, lay down on the court, and do something intimate.  
  
Moments when we skip work just to see each other, sleep and wake up the next morning to find out we were late.   
  
And you'll panic and say, "Wake up, Hiro!"   
  
That line, again and again until I open my eyes and stretch my arms.  
  
Oblivious to the fact that we're dead meat with our superiors.  
  
"Wake up, Hiro." You'd say.  
  
Wake up, Hiro.  
  
Wake up, Hiro.  
  
Wake up, Hiro.  
  
Yes…wake up Hiro, because you're dreaming again.  
  
Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming.  
  
I am fully awake but I never wanted to open my eyes.   
  
And I suddenly felt the pain.   
  
Oh yes, the pain.  
  
The agony of having to wake up once more…  
  
To face the reality that Sendoh Akira is not mine…  
  
To face the reality that I wasn't the man who he took away from home to live in a cozy pad.  
  
That I wasn't the man who he cooked a personalized dinner every night.  
  
That I wasn't the man who he watched over in the middle of a peaceful slumber.  
  
That I wasn't the man who he hushed over to sleep.  
  
That I wasn't the man who had the unpredictable mood and the coldest of stares.  
  
That I wasn't the man who slept very fast.  
  
That I wasn't the man who he had slept and cuddled with.  
  
That I wasn't man who he had visited one Holloween night…  
  
…with the chibi rabbit costume, the multitude of candies and a homemade apple pie.  
  
That I wasn't the man who had left him twice...  
  
That I wasn't the man who Akira begged to come back...  
  
That I wasn't the man who he had loved.  
  
That I wasn't the man who had the right over him.  
  
And that I am not the man I wished I was.  
  
That I am not the man I thought I was.  
  
That I am not the man I dreamt I was...  
  
I remember someone asking me, have you ever wondered why you loved someone so much?  
  
Have you ever wondered why he didn't love you back?  
  
Have you ever realized what went wrong?  
  
Have you ever felt how much it hurts?  
  
Have you ever really known what love was?  
  
For this I have to say…  
  
Yes, I had loved someone so much. So much that it hurts.  
  
And I had asked myself a million of times why he didn't love me back.  
  
I had realized it's because of someone…of whom I cannot deny nor be at level with.  
  
And yes, I have felt how much it hurts.  
  
For I know what love was.   
  
Now, I hear two raging voices…arguing again perhaps.  
  
"That was a three-point shot, Aki." [2]  
  
"You stepped on the line, Kae-chan."  
  
"How can you tell?"  
  
"I saw it."  
  
"Three-points."  
  
"Two."  
  
"Three."  
  
"Two."  
  
I opened my eyes to the harsh reality of love and walked towards the man I love and the man who took that love away from me.  
  
"Hey, you guys woke me up!"   
  
With bitter feelings yet an antagonistic heart, I choked up my pride and held each of their fragile hands, placed it on top of each other and said, "Here, can you guys just kiss and make up?"  
  
Oh, the agony…the pain…  
  
…the sorrow of a mere best friend…  
  
The misery of the man behind the sweet tactics of Sendoh Akira.  
  
The anguish of a harmless person that Rukawa Kaede believed I was.  
  
The torment of a man who wished he was another.  
  
My ordeal.  
  
The misery of an imagined identity…  
  
The man that was never me…  
  
The man I can never have…  
  
Yet only in these fleeting dreams can he be mine…  
  
…by taking the place of the man that was not me…  
  
…in a reversible illusion… [3]  
  
…I'd like to call bliss.  
  
The End  
  
10/15/2003 11:37:49 PM  
  
[1] Hotdog - hotdog-shaped pillow.  
  
[2] That part was based from Mit-chan and Kae-chan's battle for the Ace title…just a little twist on the characters, hope you don't mind.  
  
[3] Reversible illusion - something that can be winded back again and again...stuff like that.  
  
Reviews and constructive criticisms are most welcomed.  
  



End file.
